A stranger

I'm feeling like a stranger in my own skin. But that's not different from how i have been feeling for all my life; a stranger. Not that i am deprived of those who love me. On the contrary. Right from the day i was born, i was surrounded with love. My nuclear family as well as my extended family. I have friends; not too many of them, but a close few.

All that and i have never felt at ease sharing my true self with anyone. I remember traces of how i used to feel as a kid; thousands of unanswered questions; actually unasked questions. I learnt so early on to keep my feelings to myself. Don't know why. May be because i realized very early that i was too weak to get disappointed from those i love most.

Or may be it is the lifetime curse of being too sensitive to accept insincere interest and too proud to accept less than full attention. Possessive? Oh absolutely. But may be with low self esteem. May be with a deep feeling that i do not deserve full attention. May be ...

I am love deprived. That's for sure. Understanding deprived. Real conversation deprived. Sharing deprived. Deprivation shows into my eyes. For those who are intimate enough and interested enough, they can detect it. i am a master of disguise though. Look at me and you'll find a confident successful saavy business person. But see me and you'll find a troubled self, craving for recognition, for peace.

I am a mix of opposites. How can i be that much of a positive forward looking person who believes in beauty and fairness, who prides in secret for being faithful in the justice and grace of God, and in the meantime fail to remember a happy day? One happy day?