I take comfort in reading you, actually in just being there. Reading you as i have said and as you sure know does not actually give me comfort.
I sometimes get angry at you (at myself at times), feel betrayed, get so damn jelous; sometimes question whether a comment is really from an anonymous (or from a most familiar anonymous)
i sometimes read through the numbers, the codes, and the formulas and try to decipher them. I go through the acronyms and single letters and trace them back and forth to try to figure out who they were. Sometimes i'm certain. Other times i just don't know.
I try to see myself in your writings, but i don't quite find me. In times of severe doubt, i almost doubt i ever made it into your life with others apearing so much and impacting you as much. I sometimes think what have i ever left her with? Others talked, played, dined, surfed, travelled, and shared great memories with you.
SO many letters of the alphabet. Letters that apear more than others; letters that are liked and praised more than others. Have these letters ever been loved? i visualize that passionate hug, those kisses, this flirting; i read about body curve sizes being discussed and commented on. I remember i vomitted that day! And i shed a different type of tear.
even those few pieces i have related to and know are mine have been deleted or postponed or whatever. I sometimes feel like a visitor by the door who never made it inside. i wish i had probed more, known more. i wish i had shared my hurts as you have shared yours. i wish i was not that kind of person who is hurt silently even from the closest person.
And finally there is this theme of choice and so and so and so many hidden and unhidden messages in so many writings. I say how can she ever play with me like that knowing what this would do to me (if she actually knows), but then i say what if she was not playing? I get crazy. This blog that jumped a decade back then forth, and i knew from the beginning it didn't belong to 98 for sure, but what is that all about (and all that theme)? How come i never asked her?
A thousand how comes ... How come i am an open book to her and she has shared such a thin layer of herself? A lot of times, i'm left with the feeling i have not really known you, and that gives me a feeling i cannot name.
But it does keep me up at night.
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4 comments:
myabe you are just too jealous to see anything else but her betrayal and reckless, indecent attitude; or maybe she is just trying to live, or even pretend she is living.
She’s neither reckless nor has she betrayed me, anon. I’m not that naïve. The last thing I can do is accuse her of anything.
I'm worried about her. So damn worried. This "choice" thing of hers tears my heart apart. And that's not out of jealousy. Even if we're not together, i don't want her doing anything bad to herself.
i'm not discussing whether i have the right or not or who left the other and made the choice, but that is genuinely what i dread. I want her good. You won't understand, anon.
I am jealous and that’s me. She has nothing to do with that. It’s no comfort to me to throw it all on her shoulder. I don’t do that, and I won’t do that.
It is just that sometimes you need to let something off your chest, and for a cave, this is becoming almost impossible. It’s nothing but a long awaited fadfada so I might be able to sleep.
It’s just that sometimes you need to raise a flag just to the one who would understand it and say “hey. I’m hurt too. Can I share some of that pity as I have no one to pity for me.”
And I assure you, anon, I am hurt too.
For women, trying to be objective and protective dont work, i suppose. they always need to 'belong' and have a family, and this is their focus. staying alone is not an option for them.
so maybe u need to let her go on in her life....as you probably are doing.
cheers!
I pity you. She is intriguing, very expressive and deep, and the most striking is when you realize how passionate she is and you can't get enough of her volcanic emotions. Don't have high hopes, just enjoy it while you have it. Its indeed fun and worth it, even if you end up with nil.
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